The L Word

There is a word I’ve come to hate and I think there is a stigma attached to it, because I don’t hear it talked about very much in public, only in quiet, private conversations or individual chats. People from all walks of life struggle with this: businessmen, housewives, pastors, factory workers, missionaries, public school teachers, homeschooling moms, students, waitresses… If you walk through a mall or into a mega-church, they will be filled will people who quietly suffer from it.

The L word is…. LONELINESS.

Living in a semi-rural region of West Africa where I am BY FAR in the minority- Caucasian, English-speaking, Evangelical Christian American woman (in the vast minority in every category but the woman part) -  I struggle with loneliness. The total number of Caucasians is maybe… 7 (and that includes myself and 3 family members), English-speaking is about the same number, though the ones who aren’t my family members, it’s like their third language. Evangelical Christians make up less than 0.5% of the population of the people group with whom we work (yes, that means less than ½ of 1% for those of you who had trouble translating the decimal). American? There are three other Americans in our town and they live in the same house as I do and share the same last name. This all adds up to mean that I can’t be selective about the people with whom I interact. I have to be willing to connect with people that don’t look like, talk like, believe like and think like me if I want to quell that loneliness. And, even though it is my calling to be here, I struggle with the emotional side of that. My calling is not to satisfy my loneliness, but to share one of those four things, my beliefs, with the ones who don’t believe like me.

This means that there are days that I have an argument in my head. Do I want to walk out that door so that I can share my faith with others, or because I’m lonely and need a friend to talk to? I want my objective always to be to meet the needs of others when I walk out my front gate, but there are days when I also need my needs met. I’m missing my older kids, my parents, my sisters and their families, my friends, anyone with whom I can talk and just be who I am, not someone who has to transform in some way to be understood by the other person. It can get just plain exhausting. And, when I’m already tired… and lonely, knowing that need is going to continue to be grossly unsatisfied… there are days it takes a monumental effort to walk out the door. Even though I’m connected to the internet and have Skype, Facebook and email, I need a REAL PERSON connection. And, please don’t get me wrong, I am a married woman and I love my husband, but that last part of my minority description- woman- is something he is not. Though he’s caring and supportive and my best friend, he thinks like a man. There are things that he just doesn’t “get,” as hard as he tries, even though he and his sister were raised by a single mom.

I thought I was the only one that struggled with loneliness. I felt alone in my loneliness. But, that’s just a fallacy...a lie that binds. EVERYONE at some time or other is lonely. While we were in the US last year, I met others that suffered in their loneliness that went to church with lots of people that looked like, talked like, believed like and in many ways thought like them. It boggled my mind, to be honest. I thought, what in the world? I went from being in what felt like a famine to a never-ending buffet of people to connect with in person. But, after a couple of months, I realized what it was. People don’t really know HOW to connect with other people. I was able to sit down and have heart-to-hearts with a few ladies that I hope I was able to encourage, but I had to make the effort to be honest and vulnerable so that they would open up and be honest and vulnerable. Then, it seemed like the floodgates were open, as I listened to each one. They lived ALL THE TIME with people like them but hadn’t had others do what I did. I was willing to expose my weaknesses, insecurities, my foolishness, anxieties, pitfalls, and the sins that trip me up… the things that are ugly in me, then listen while they poured out those things from their hearts, and I listened. I held their hands, gave them my shoulder, and prayed with them. Let me tell you, I look back and cherish each of those moments that I made real connections with other women. God blessed me during that time by opening my eyes to the fact that I am not alone. I always knew that, because I believe what He promised, “I will never leave you, nor forsake you,” but I also knew that there were other women out there, like me, desperately needing real connection with other women. I never had that with men, because, I don’t believe that’s appropriate, but I’ve had enough conversations with my husband to know that though they experience it differently, men also can struggle with loneliness.

I’m sitting here alone on my worn, 12-year-old brown couch and would so love to have a friend to sit with me… a friend that wouldn’t mind my old, threadbare, mismatched furniture, but would just like to sit and sip a cup of coffee or tea and really connect. I know as I think this and write it, that you have felt that way, too. I want to tell you- YOU ARE NOT ALONE. But you can only find other lonely people by doing what I did. Find someone else and invite her out for coffee. Have her over to your house, no matter how messy it is or how ugly your furniture, and open up your heart, let the ugliness show, the NEEDINESS…. Then just listen. And, as the other person speaks, make eye contact, reach over and squeeze her hand, hand her a tissue when/ if tears fall, then invite God in by taking all you’ve exposed to each other in prayer to Him. In that moment, you will find REAL, LASTING connection. Any transparent, honest connection between sisters (and I would assume, brothers) in Christ where they bring the Lord into the conversation, is one that is truly satisfying. It doesn’t come up lacking.

I’m getting ready to head to the capital city soon, where I will have meetings and see colleagues/ friends. Since there has been some major turnover in the past few months- old ones have left and a number of new ones have come- I have to move past my anxieties of making new connections and step out in faith to do just that. I haven’t mentioned it up until now, but it is my responsibility as a member of the Body of Christ to connect with others. I could list all kinds of verses about living in community with the Body of Christ, but I think you could google these verses yourself, as you’ve heard/ read them, too. The chains of loneliness that bind us all can be broken by allowing  the Spirit to work in and through us to make real connections with others. And, just like stepping out in faith is something that has to be done to follow God in obedience in any Christian endeavor, we have to step out in faith to make connections. Do it. For yourself, for others, and for Christ. Then, His Body will truly be built up. The L word becomes LOVE that conquers loneliness and renders it powerless. I love you, my friends.

Now, come over and take a seat on my old brown couch. I’ll put the coffee on.