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“We’re so glad you’re back! We missed you!”

I have heard this numerous times in the past nearly 2 weeks since we’ve been back on the field after a whirlwind 2 month home assignment. Two West African sisters in Christ showed up at my door a few days ago, knowing I was tired from the journey (though I intended to go visit both of them the first week), just to give me a squeeze and welcome me “home.”

I put “home” in quotation marks, because a part of me is a bit resentful of that word. As a woman surrendered to overseas ministry, there is never a place that fully feels like home. When I was in the US, having my whole family together in one place felt a lot like home, but it was a house provided for us by a local church. It wasn’t home. Having my coffee pot and old ratty brown couch to sit on while I type this feels like home, but there’s a yearning for those I love, so in some ways, this doesn’t feel like home either.

When I began this journey as a teenager of saying, “Wherever you lead, God, I’ll go!” I had no idea that after that first step to go to college more than 500 miles away (where I met my husband), that I would end up here… sitting in a quiet house, thousands of miles away from SO MANY people I love. So, right now, I’m on this path with dragging feet and a longing gaze back at the ones I’m missing. GRIEVING.

I wish I could say, 3 decades after surrendering to His will, that I had it figured out. I have prayed for the Lord to help me to take a firm hold on the calling He’s given me and to love my people with a fiery passion. Honestly, He has answered those prayers. That’s what keeps me coming back, each time, though the tears flow in grief. What I have to do is look around me, not crumble up inside myself, and see what God is doing because of my obedience. It’s not always easy to see, but it helps me find contentment, so that I can surrender all over again.

My Father continues to prove Himself over and over again, when it seems there’s just no way things will work out or we’re struggling. He provides for our familly’s needs when we feel like we’re scraping by. He places people and situations in our kids’ lives to challenge them to grow and seek Him. Each time we say goodbye to dear friends and family, He brings new relationships or strengthens old ones, so that we have people with whom we can be ourselves and get the support we need. He works in the hearts of those who have yet to believe and plops them in our path so that we can testify to His grace and goodness and draw them closer to Him. And, one thing that brings great joy to my heart is when I am able to be a conduit of Jesus’ Truth and love to a sister who needs to hear or experience it. It literally fuels the flickering flame in my heart. These are all indicators that we are still on the path He’s chosen for us.

I got to visit my favorite village yesterday. Kids scrambled to hold my hand, sit in my lap or just lean against me. Joyful eyes and voices of women, men, and teenagers welcomed me back. I settled in to sit on the chair the kids scrambled to bring for me to sit on (the nicest one they own) and visit with the precious, crinkly-smiling, hunched over woman that I call “mom” as she sat on her frayed mat. We sat and shelled peas and chatted. Her daughter and other women joined us at different times throughout the conversation. I showed her pictures of my family, especially of my kids, that I told her I was missing so much. Mama “Tina” looked at me with her smiling eyes, “It is so good that you got to have that time with your family. It’s so important to do that; for them to know you and you to know them. But, for me, I’m glad you’re back!”

And, in that moment, though it’s not enough to fully find contentment, God sent a salve to my soul. He used the words of an elderly woman in a remote village to help me be thankful for the time I had with my loved ones, and also be thankful that He called me to bring His love to this dear woman. My contentment comes from God alone. He gives little grace-gifts… like notes of encouragement (“I’m here for you” and “you’re gonna be just fine”) from a friend, that are reminders of His Loving Presence.

Jesus, you are my first love. I know that the past several days I have kind of avoided you… even resented you. But, my heart can’t stay away for long. Because in you I find fullness of joy. In you I find peace that passes all understanding.

Only my Lord Jesus speaks life and truth. I have seen people turn away from the Lord because of difficult life circumstances, but when I’m struggling, looking inward, I hear the earnest voice of Jesus when He spoke to His closest disciples after many had turned away from Him, “Are you going too?”

Simon Peter replied [and me, in my heart, I reply], “Master, to whom shall we go? You alone have the words that give eternal life, and we believe them and know you are the holy Son of God.”

When I am with my Master, Jesus, no matter where I am. I am HOME. And, one day, the day I REALLY long for, I will finally get to be Home with Him. When I see Him, I will run for a wrap-around hug like I never have before. And, no more goodbyes will ever separate me from Him. It will be an eternal welcome. Oh, Jesus, I’m ready! But, until then, I will settle for home here. Keep on teaching me to be content and know that you’ve got me.