Being Friendly

One thing I’ve learned about living far away from many people I love (my kids, extended family, dear friends, churches, etc.) is that you have to truly be intentional in communication. It’s so easy to like a status or make a comment on a picture, but to actually write a letter to someone or even call takes intentionality. But, that’s relationship.

I think we’ve lost the art of relationship-building in this digital age. You may not notice it so much if you live in a place where you’re able to be a part of a church family, have family nearby, neighbors that are similar in culture and speak your language, and/or your kids live with you (or can jump in a car and come home on a weekend, if they want). But I have really come to notice it… especially since we haven’t had any teammates here with us for the past three years. People I thought would stay in touch and would call or message me on a regular basis hardly do at all. Whereas, I’ve gotten close to people that really surprised me, because they were intentional about initiating communication with me.

Initiating communication living so far away, knowing people have their own busy lives makes me feel vulnerable. I carry on conversations in my head as I think about initiating a message or email…

“I haven’t heard from them in awhile… how do I start? Let me check their facebook page…”

Small talk in writing is such a pain. My husband hates it so much that when he writes an email, he hands me the computer after finishing all of the “business stuff” and asks me to add “personal stuff.” (Don’t tell him I told you that!) But then, he also hates small talk in person. He depends on me to get the conversation going. I can be creative in making mindless chatter, but that’s not what my heart desires. The weather and what we’re doing this weekend doesn’t really affirm anyone’s personhood.

I love getting to the meat of conversation… the heart of the issues… and find out how another person sees things, understands the world, and feels about it. But, when you don’t live in community with them, sending a facebook or whatsapp message feels, well, empty.

My husband and kids drove off this morning right before sunrise to go back to boarding school after a week-long midterm break. I loved sitting shoulder-to-shoulder on the couch with them, cooking meals with them, and lounging on my bed with them. We laughed about stuff that other people would probably not understand or find silly. I asked them questions about their daily lives, what they liked and didn’t like, about the things they do with their friends and the adults they enjoy hanging around. We played games and looked at pictures and snickered at stupid videos. All of these things build relationship. I am so blessed to not just love my kids, but I really LIKE being with them, too. The great thing is that the electronic communication we send back and forth (Snapchat, Whatsapp, FB messenger, even text messages) is just a continued expression of the relationship we’ve built in person. Intentionality is easy because of that.

There are people that we know we SHOULD be intentional with, but the times we’re together are so seldom and shared experiences so few that we have to try and create virtual shared experiences. That takes too much energy, or more than I can muster when I’m already exhausted from a day of building and maintaining relationships with people that are very different than I am culturally and, despite my fluency in the language, there is always a language barrier. I sit down to my computer to try and connect with someone, such as a family member or who was once a close friend, and if they haven’t initiated communication with me in a long time- REAL communication, not just a status comment or like- I have trouble getting to the meat of communication that helps to build relationship.

My husband has several sayings that he says to our kids. He’s always telling them to drink water. When you live in hot West Africa, it’s easy to get dehydrated and that leads to a number of health issues. Another thing is, he says, “If you want a friend, you need to be friendly.” His voice speaks in my head sometimes when I go to sit down, still overheated and glistening from a hot day, to write to someone I love, but I haven’t heard from them. Instead of struggling with my loneliness and insecurity about whether they want to hear from me or not, because I really want to build and maintain this relationship, I need to be intentional about communication.

Lord, you are a friend that sticks closer than a brother. Please help me to be the friend, the sister, the daughter, the mother, the relationship-builder that I need to be for others. Wallowing in my loneliness and vulnerability keeps me isolated from the kinds of relationships you intend for me. Help me to take the risks and do what doesn’t come easy, God. Thank you for loving me despite my many weaknesses. Help me to be more like you in my relationships so that you’re glorified in them. Amen.