Noticing the Hole

Yesterday, I took our two younger kids back to boarding school after they spent a fun and memorable long weekend with us. Later on, we had a very encouraging meeting with brothers in Christ and saw evidence that God was working. Yesterday was a good day where our work is concerned and we were greatly encouraged. With all the busy-ness of the day and these positive moments as well as running errands, I had no time for grief yesterday. Today has been a different story. Today, I’ve been sliding along on a scale between weeping and on the verge of weeping.

I have had to say goodbye to people I love dearly for my entire adult life. LONG-TERM and FAR AWAY goodbyes. The hardest were, of course, each time I had to say goodbye to a child and fly 4,000 miles away. Goodbyes to my kids are the hardest. Because of all we’ve gone through as a family, we are deeply connected to each other. Few people- maybe no one- truly understands who we are and what we feel like those in our family. So, when we’re apart from each other, or unable to communicate with each other, we feel the missing space very deeply. When we are able to spend time together, even briefly (like a long weekend), afterward, the grief seems a lot stronger than it seemed before that visit. I explained it to someone recently that it’s like we, all of a sudden, notice the hole again.

Oh look, the hole. The hole that my dear loved one filled while we were together. It’s empty again.

I received a brief message this morning from someone we love very much telling us that he would be out of contact for a couple of months. But, that he loves us. Even though we don't see him in person, it's someone we love very much and are used to talking to him a few times a week. Oh yes, there's another hole.

It’s not that I don’t miss my loved ones all the time. I do. But, I get caught up in the busy-ness of life and the new normal, without him/her/ them, and it’s like we have temporary blinders on. The hole is there, but we just don’t notice it as much. Then, my loved one is with me again. We share laughs, memories, cook and eat our favorite meals together, tell jokes and say funny phrases that only we understand. We talk about deep things. We can go to the deep things more easily because of our history. There’s no pretense. It’s us. Then, we say goodbye. That dear one is uprooted from the hole that is normally vacant in my daily life and the grief knocks me down like a sandbar-destroying wave, leaving what seems like a crater in my heart.

I’m noticing the hole today. The days will move on. I will get on with life and work and enjoy what contact I can get… and look at old pictures at night when the world is quieter and I haven’t heard their voices. And, I will dream of the day when we can be together again and the hole will be filled. Even if it’s brief. I enjoy every moment. I am thankful that the hole is there to remind me. I am blessed to have it… to have them. Those people I love. I wouldn’t give up the filling and emptying for anything.