Overcoming Myself; Becoming Like Him

Why doesn’t she write/ call/ message me?

What has she heard? If she heard that, why would she believe it without talking to me? Even if it were true, why would she abandon me?

Are we still friends? Does she still care about me? I miss her so much, it hurts.

Why did she do that? Maybe we aren’t the friends I thought we were.

Maybe it’s me.  Oh God, what do I do?

These are actual thoughts I’ve had going through my head. It can be exhausting being in my head (I wouldn’t recommend it!) Living where I do, where I have to make so much effort to maintain long distance relationships, there are times when my myriad of thoughts can be overwhelming. Friends fail me, hurt me, ignore me, and even forget me. Broken trust can turn to self-doubt and even to self-loathing. And the resulting loneliness can be debilitating.

The stresses of living in a foreign culture where I stick out like a sore thumb, and where I’m not just in the minority culturally (trying being the ONLY American woman in an entire region), but also faith-wise (less than half of 1% are evangelical believers) are difficult enough. I have to be creative to get fellowship with other women, which can also be a stressor. When we can, I meet together with West African missionary women for fellowship, Bible study and prayer (sometimes it happens weekly, other times, maybe once a month), and our common language is French. I get together from time to time with a single Finnish lady that lives in town, and thankfully, our common language is English (yay!), though it’s her second language. I organized a weekly Bible study with other ladies serving in locations throughout Senegal and Guinea, who are also serving in these areas without teammates (so, also lacking in fellowship). We get together in an on-line video conference, though there have been some technical difficulties (this is still West Africa, after all). This has been a real boost for me, and I hope for the other ladies, as well. We not only get fellowship in English, but with sisters in very similar situations. When I can, I make trips to larger cities and try and get together with friends for dinner or a cup of coffee so that we can connect. But even with all of this, the day in and day out living can get lonely.

I am an extrovert, though living in a foreign culture far away from friends and family of similar culture has made me somewhat of an introverted extrovert.  I can really relate to this lady’s blog post: http://takingroute.net/2015/10/09/living-overseas-drained-extrovert/   The biggest way that this has happened, has been in my mind. I am way too self-conscious and I have a tendency to blame myself when there are breaks in a relationship. I second guess myself and at my low points, can allow emotionally abusive thoughts to beat up my psyche. I am a natural at making a fool of myself- some people may call it making oneself vulnerable- but this can also be destructive in my career and location choice… because I have to say goodbye WAY too often. I have gotten close to too many people only to have to say goodbye to them and either never see them again or what can be even worse- get the occasional two line reply to a newsletter. I say worse, because, when I get those two line responses, it cultivates a longing in my heart for that lost relationship, the wound is broken open, and I start to grieve all over again.

I don’t have any specific diagnosis and treatment for this situation. I don’t know how to reconcile with dear lost friends from long distance. All I can do is cry out to my Jesus, who felt the ultimate loss of relationship when He cried out from the cross, “My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?” I cry out to Him, with thanksgiving, knowing that He faced loss of friends at His darkest hour, because He is my High Priest who is able to empathize with my weakest moments (Heb. 4:15). And, He loves me! And, best of all, He promised, after experiencing what it feels like to be forsaken, “Never will I leave you nor forsake you.” (Heb. 13:5 NIV) Also, “…surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age.” (Matt. 28:20 NIV)

The situation I'm living is part of the Holy Spirit's sanctification process in helping me to relate more and more like Him (and like all sanctification, it can be painful!) . I have found that He alone is completely, totally, and eternally faithful in His thoughts and actions towards me. So, I throw down those horrible self-loathing thoughts, those destructive thoughts about myself and others and thank Him who is faithful, asking Him to renew and refresh me and make me the friend that I long so much for. I want to be the kind of friend that He is, always has been, and always will be for me.